Governor of Ohio Forces Teenagers to Have Sex!

Or so local columnist hack Peter Bronson would have you believe. He visits the "Voice Your Choice" abstinence rally (an abstinence rally? really?) quotes a handful of rightwing crackpot anti-sex freaks, cites bogus studies and pulls lame anecdotes out of thin air, then concludes by quoting a slogan he claims to have read on a t-shirt at the rally: Manhood is proven by a person's ability to control his passions - not his ability to satisfy them.

(Just as an aside . . . huh? Also, how does all that fit on a t-shirt? Finally, wear that shirt and it's a given you won't get laid -- no abstinence education necessary.)

Needless to say, Bronson's column virtually ignores the truth, which is that Governor Strickland favors comprehensive sex education that includes, but isn't limited to, teaching kids about abstinence. You know, the kind that deals with . . . oh, what's the word? . . . oh yeah, reality, that's it.

Hey Bronson! Teenagers have sex! You didn't (and, okay, I didn't) but a lot of them do. Maybe giving them the tools to avoid pregnancy, disease and death might not be such a bad idea. Time for you to relax a little, Pete. Maybe when you go to your next holiday party your can wear a shirt with one of your "abstinence rally" sayings: A lady's beauty is marked by how she carries herself with class and dignity - not her measurements. Chicks will think you're sensitive; you might even get lucky.

Property of Jesus.

A few days ago, the Cincinnati Enquirer (a local publication loosely referred to as a “newspaper”) ran an unusually sensible opinion piece, titled, “Congress needs to step in, make birth control more affordable.” Needless to say, the article was not written by an Enquirer staff member. Instead, a local graduate student wrote it, and she argued persuasively that via a simple fix by Congress, contraception could and should become accessible to college students and low-income women. She pointed out that until last January, birth control was relatively affordable, but costs soared as a result of the federal Deficit Reduction Act.

Seems obvious, doesn’t it, that affordable contraception is a good thing?

“No!” shouts local resident Clyde Stauffer, wearing his bathrobe and shaking his fist in his front yard:

The writer . . . set forth a position that may be expressed as follows:

Young women have a "right" to engage in unlimited sexual activity.

They have a "right" to be free from untoward consequences of such activity; therefore

Congress has an "obligation" to act so as to facilitate those "rights."

I don't believe either of her premises is correct (hence the conclusion is invalid). I don't believe the authors of the Constitution thought that one of the duties of the legislative branch is to promote untrammeled fornication. The writer's concern for an unimpeded educational outcome for these young women is commendable. She might better spend her energies on suggesting changes in their behavior to that end, rather than seeking congressional action in support of questionable activities.

Clyde clearly didn’t get any in college – and believe me, I feel his pain – but he so totally mischaracterizes the column that I wonder if he even read it. Plus, isn’t untrammeled fornication the very best kind of fornication there is?

Meanwhile, in a related story, desperate, pandering presidential candidate Sen. John McCain (remember when he seemed like an okay guy?) says Christians make the best presidents and the Constitution established the U.S. as a "Christian nation." Now, I'm not a historian or a lawyer or a Revolutionary War re-enactor, but I'm pretty sure there's no mention of Jesus in our founding documents. I'll go back and check, but I think I'm right on this one.

Newspaper Men Eating Candy.

One thing I’ve learned in my so-called career, with the bit of traveling I’ve done, is that there are cities in this country that are worse – far worse – than Cincinnati. That’s not exactly a ringing endorsement, and it’s not really fair, either, because Cincinnati, though far from perfect, is a pretty good place to live. We have the arts, we have major universities that attract students and faculty from all over the world, we have professional sports, we have a fantastic library system, and so on.

Yet you don’t need to look too hard to find someone who’s not from around here, who knows the city by reputation only and believes it’s a backwater town run by right-wing Bible thumpers. Why is that? Could it have something to do, perhaps, with the fact that the city’s major (and soon to be only) daily newspaper, the Cincinnati Enquirer, is run by conservative hacks and reads as if it were hastily cut and pasted by a group of people who only do journalism as a hobby? The paper has one or two bright lights, most notably the amazing cartoonist Jim Borgman. Everything else? Bad, really bad.

The worst offender is columnist Peter Bronson: never insightful; never amusing; always predictable. Read my summary of today’s column and then never bother yourself with him again.

Shorter Peter Bronson

I’ll begin today’s column with an inept attempt at relevance, in the form of a long out-dated pop culture reference. See, I’m just a regular guy! Now, I’ll twist myself into knots making that reference fit this morning’s G.O.P. talking points. (And isn’t it lucky for me that as an editorial columnist, I don’t have to back up my opinions with actual facts? See, just like Joe Six-Pack.) From there, I’ll segue into pure mean-spiritedness masquerading as humor. Annnnd . . . all done! But wait, I forgot a gratuitous swipe at a Clinton! Oh well, there’s always tomorrow. Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow!