Sunday, April 27, 2008

Unintentional Hiatus.

Two weeks! I know, I know -- I never write, I never call . . . I didn't mean to be gone this long. Honest.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

I Took My Potatoes Down to be Mashed.

I've been tagged by Misplaced in the Midwest -- correct in his assumption that I am badly in need of blog ideas -- to list seven random facts about myself. Let's see . . .

1. Like Misplaced, when I was a boy I had a crush on a girl named Jackie -- not the same one, though. I won't print her last name, not because I have any sort of ethical objection to doing that, but because I recently learned she doesn't remember me, and having her come across this lame blog would be the shame icing on my humiliation cake.

2. I'm an only child. As far as I can remember, as a kid I didn't spend much time wishing for sibling. Yet I did, and still do, spend a certain amount of time answering the question, "Did you ever want a brother or sister?" I suppose it's a fair question, but it's irritating, particularly when people who've asked it before ask it again, as if I lied when I answered the first time.

3. Dining outdoors only interests me if the weather is just right. A little too cold or, especially, a little too hot, and I'm inside.

4. I play a pathetic little mental game by myself: I listen to average remarks and try to make them sound dirty. For instance, if the woman narrating a commercial for dishwashing soap comments on the product's amazing cleaning powers, I think, "I'd like to cut her grease" or "She can rinse my fine china any time." Yes, I realize how lame this is and I know I'm the only person who thinks it's funny. That's why I don't say it out loud.

5. I am the only person in the world who didn't like Rent.

6. Seventeen years and four jobs into my so-called career and I've never been promoted.

7. Speaking of jobs, I've come to the conclusion that the best one I ever had was in a Chicago bookstore, right after I graduated from college.

8. Special super-bonus random fact -- I once hitchhiked naked.

Ah, that was cathartic, and yes, I'm leaving "cathartic" in this sentence even though I just looked it up and found that one of the favored definitions is "an agent for purging the bowels." To join me in this special catharsis, I tag Karyn of Vexed in the City, Michelle of Verbal and Mark of The Rambler. Try it -- it feels gooood.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Live at the River Styx Outdoor Amphitheater! Sponsored by Miller Lite

Now if they just add the Capitol Steps to warm up the crowd, Satan's entertainment hat trick will be complete.

Saturday, April 5, 2008

Teachable Moment.

Fact: This product costs about $8.00 in Paris.

Lesson: What the fuck are you doing, eating pork and beans in Paris?