Thursday, September 18, 2008

I am Rifle Panzer Palin. (Aren't we all?)

What would your name be if your mother were Sarah Palin?  Get your answer right here.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

An Special Announcement from the Republican Party.

We interrupt our regularly scheduled pointless noodling to bring you this important message from the G.O.P. and the McCain campaign.

The following words and phrases, when written or uttered to, about or in the general vicinity of Gov. Sarah Palin, shall henceforth be considered sexist:

1. lipstick;
2. pig;
3. pit bull;
4. dog;
5. husky;
6. Iditarod;
7. bridge;
8. nowhere;
9. library;
10. books;
11. hockey;
12. mom;
13. hockey mom;
14. baby;
15. foreign policy;
16. evangelical;
17. church;
18. Jesus.

This list is subject to amendment without notice.

Monday, September 8, 2008

I Smell a Pulitzer.

My inner masochist requires that I watch the 10:00 news on Channel 19, which is Cincinnati's FOX affiliate. It's all there: the bad makeup; the frosted hair; the deep-voiced anchorman who likes to plug his "take no prisoners blog"; the C-list, ESPN-imitating sports guy; the wacky weatherman -- excuse me, meteorologist; the fake jocularity. You name the cliche, they have it.

At the moment, they're splitting the newscast into two hard-hitting, breaking stories. First, it's the live coverage at an airport not too far from my house, where Sen. Maverick's "Straight Talk Express" jet has just landed. The doors are opening! People are moving around inside! Is she with him? Oh my god, is she with him?!

No? Okay, next story -- cut to a live shot of a reporter standing in front of a salt pile. Will there be enough salt for the roads when we get an inch of snow in January? Well, will there? Jesus fucking christ, just tell me, will there be enough salt or will there be disaster?!

There will be? Oh, thank you, thank you! I prayed to Jesus and told him I'd vote for Sarah Palin and that old guy she's running with, if he'd just make sure we would enough precious, precious salt this winter. You can count on me, you spunky little bear cub-shooting hockey mom!

Tuesday, September 2, 2008

Republican Spokesmodel Update.

Sarah Palin is creepy. From the Washington Post:

Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, the Republican vice-presidential nominee who revealed Monday that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant, earlier this year used her line-item veto to slash funding for a state program benefiting teen mothers in need of a place to live.
Nice pick of a running-mate, there, Sen. Maverick. I'm sure the Jesus wing of your party had nothing to do with it, nothing at all.

Plus, contrary to popular reports, she's not hot. In fact, she's crazy-looking.

She's a leaky faucet of scandal. I think she'll "gracefully withdraw" her name before November. Regardless of whether she stays or goes, though, is there really a chance we'll elect these people?

Monday, September 1, 2008


In another triumph for abstinence-only sex education, Republican vice-presidential nominee Sarah Palin announced today that her 17-year-old daughter is pregnant. Needless to say, Republicans -- the same people who are more than willing to trash Barack Obama with innuendo and unfounded rumor -- are falling over themselves to say this is a "private matter." I agree, but the hypocrisy is astounding. If this had happened in Joe Biden's family, FOX News, et al., would be tearing him limb-from-limb, around-the-clock. We wouldn't even know there'd been another hurricane in the Gulf, because cable news would be all TEEN PREGNANCY, ALL THE TIME.

I feel sorry for the girl, really, and it would be nice if the press laid off her. Obama insisted that his aides not discuss the matter, and said, "Let me be as clear as possible: I have said before and I will repeat again, I think people’s families are off limits, and people’s children are especially off limits. This shouldn’t be part of our politics.”

Oh, and as a reminder, how has John McCain shown respect for the families of his rivals? Why, by telling a cruel joke about a teenage kid, that's how: "Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno."

He even threw in a dash of homophobia for good measure. How mavericky!